A popular phrase in Charlotte Mason homeschooling circles is 'habit training'. It is true that habit guides a lot of our day, and building our own habits and those of our children pays off in many ways through life. Quotes from Charlotte Mason such as “The mother who takes pains to endow her children with good habits secures for herself smooth and easy days.” emphasize the importance of habits, but honestly can be a bit discouraging when your child continually forgets 'the basics' like wearing shoes to the car or putting the toothbrush back to the right place long after an age you feel like they 'should know by now'.
A few dozen times I've responded online in homeschooling groups to questions such as these:
- My child ignores directions because she's so focused on the activity she's doing and doesn't even turn or respond. Tell me how to habit train for listening to directions and obedience.
- I'm reminding my child all day for years of the same things like closing the door or putting their dishes away. Am I doing habit training wrong?
Obviously I can't diagnose or treat ADHD; when these people give more details the way they describe things sends up a lot of flags for ADHD or other types of executive dysfunction. Many people say 'well I know it can't be ADHD because he can focus and sit still for a movie or other preferred activity.' This reflects a common misunderstanding about ADHD. The reason ADHD causes both 'lack' of focus and hyperfocus I think has a root in difficulty sorting and prioritizing information, but that's beyond the scope of this post.
For people who know or suspect or wonder if their child has ADHD and are wondering if Charlotte Mason type habit training can still help them, these are the types of answers I usually give. I hope some of them are helpful even to families that do not have an ADHD diagnosis.
- You cannot habit train away an executive function problem. Figure
out if diet, exercise, vitamins, supplements, sleep interventions and/or meds will get the
brain in a better place to remember and notice what needs to be done.
- Pass off responsibility for 'noticing' and 'remembering' in increments. Though the example of 'Johnny learning to shut the door'
included in Charlotte Mason's writings was and is exceedingly
eye-rolling to me. The kid learns to shut the door after 20 or so times?
He hears his mom calling his name (pleasantly?) and is 'stirred by curiosity' and comes back? Yeah, right. But there are some good gems hidden in this completely-unrealistic-for-kids-with-ADHD scenario.
The mom doesn't say 'Shut the door!', instead she gives some of the remembering work to the kid, by looking at the door and saying 'I said I would remind you.' It says 'the mother will have to adopt various little devices to remind him'...that's where parental creativity and adapting to the needs of your child comes in.
One example from our house is that we spent time trying to remember the habit of putting your bowl away after eating oatmeal or yogurt for breakfast (we don't all eat/finish breakfast at the same time, so the 'clue' that happened at other meals of seeing other people clearing their dishes, wasn't in play at breakfast). We spent several weeks pretending that the last bite of yogurt was a speaking entity that reminded the breakfaster to put the bowl away, as the 'last words'. Silly voices and all the drama of the last words of the yogurt. I then told the kids that I wouldn't be reminding them anymore, because the last bite of yogurt would be doing it for me. Of course, there was still forgetting, at which point, if I was on the ball and watching closely, I could voice the ghost of yogurt past as the child left the table....'ahhh, you ate me but you did not heed my last words....'. - Habit train *yourself* too. Being
frustrated that a child 'doesn't listen' can often be helped a lot by
training the parent or the one giving the instructions. Don't expect the
kid to be able to constantly be listening for your voice saying 'hey
we're leaving for church in 10 minutes' or 'whose coat is this' or 'pick
up your shoes'. We worked super hard on a routine for giving
directions, and it included specific roles for the parent and the child.Parent: [Name...] (touch arm if they don't hear you...wait for them to turn their head)Child: We require them to turn their head towards the speaker and say 'What'.Parent: Gives single step instruction such as 'Please eat the chocolate chip on the table.'Child: We require them to respond and say 'Got it' or something like that.We practiced this dozens of times in made up no-pressure situations and then moved on to simple real-life situations. Multi-step directions ('go the garage and get 3 frozen water bottles for the rabbits....be sure to shut the freezer well') came next and sometimes we'd have him repeat the steps back before doing them.
I hope these examples of real life habit training are helpful for your child without ADHD, or with suspected or diagnosed ADHD.
